Addict for Life

Two years ago I was very different than the person who stands here today. I was angry I was sad I was lost but most of all I was addicted. I started experimenting with drugs age of 13 smoking pot and drinking mostly until someone gave me a Percocet. I still remember the warmness that came over my body as the surge if dopamine flooded my brain.... I was in love. For years I was a casual user but by the time I was 26 full blown addiction taken its hold. My drug of choice was opiates any kind of pill i could get. Drug addict by day, momwife by night. I have 2 sons who are 2 years apart in age (Both of them eventually watched me kick addictions ass!! ) So i did a very good job hiding my abuse at first but as the disease progresses it gets harder to hide. My behaviour began to show something was not right anymore, my husband became suspicious and i fell deeper and deeper into addiction. I would hide my pills in my bra or under the bathroom sink with all my gear ( card, straw ect). I guess i must have been too careless by constantly going in the bathroom because finally one night after he ripped apart the bathroom he found my stash. He confronted me and at that very moment it hit me , i WAS addicted. I cried and promised i would get help and quit. Both of which i did. I even started back to school to get my diploma and a certification in healthcare. I maintained sobriety for 4 months before i gave in and started the cycle again. Except this time was like an out of body experience where i was able to watch my life fall apart from the outside. I had tasted what life could potentially be like sober for 4 whole months so when i fell back in it was almost surreal. One morning as i did a line off the bathroom counter getting ready for school i took a long hard look at myself. I was beginning to have blemishes, my nose was getting red, my eyes were starting to turn dark again. I literally screamed out fuck this!!! And decided then and there that i DID NOT WANT this shitty existence any longer!! I knew if i quit i was going to be sick mentally and physically so I planned to sober up on my last day of class before summer break. June 27. June 27 2016 at 6pm was the last time i put a drug into my body. My husband had no idea that i had relapsed after going through what he thought was 6 months of sobriety. I was 3 days into withdrawal and pretending i just had the flu before i told my husband the truth about why i was sick. I had contemplated not even telling him that i relapsed i was just going to pretend like 3 months of active use didn’t happen. And then it hit me, a saying often used in rehabs and CA meetings. Secrets keep you sick, and I was done with being sick! I picked him up from work and everything just spilled out of me. He had his suspicions. This time I wasn’t messing around my kids needed a sober mom and i needed to live so i started going to Cocaine Anonymous meetings daily. I listened to the speakers each night praying one day i too could find the kind of new found love for life they had found. In the rooms they use the word God A LOT and to me that was really hard to wrap my head around because being raised catholic meant my vision of God was a man sitting on a throne choosing who was worthy of his love. I struggled and i struggled until one day it hit me that God was what i believed it was. God was universal life force and not some judgey dude picking and choosing who was worthy or not. When i was able to accept that something bigger than me was out there i was finally able to start my healing journey. I spent the summer going to meetings every night and found myself a sponsor who helped me dig deep into myself and forgive not only others but myself. I made amends with everything in my life to this point and For the first time I felt inner peace. I switched up my game from victim to Warrior. I began to meditate and do mindful breathing practices ( which is difficult at first but the more you try the easier it gets), I wrote gratitude lists ( and still do) starting with maybe one or two things I was grateful for that day which snowballed into thousand things I could say today that I’m grateful for!! I changed my diet from junk and processed to more whole foods which in turn made me feel better physically and mentally. Even quit smoking cigarettes!!I wish I could say that it was a struggle for me to stay sober, but it wasn’t. I was finally done ruining my body my life and my family. Don’t get me wrong every day is not easy but I make a conscious choice to wake up and take the day for what it is. I meditate as often as possible whether that means a guided meditation or soak in a nice salt bath or five minutes deep breathing in my bedroom.I have learned how to let go ,how to be compassionate, how to be understanding and most of all that service to others is what fills that empty void I had. I graduated high school ( i did the work to obtain my actual diploma and not just my GED) with honours as well as my health care program with a 93% average ,I’ve started my career and Am beginning to branch out and find out what I really love. I am no longer afraid to take risks and I am no longer afraid to be me. The mask that I wore for 30 years has finally fallen off and I love that my kids got to witness their mom fall so hard but have the courage to stand up and fight. I got to teach them that you can overcome anything, all it takes is courage. But most of all now i have this amazing experience to share with the world in hopes of making even one person realize how much potential we all hold within

- The Healing Junkie

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