30 and... flirty?

Being single in your thirties is a lot different than being single when your 16.

LOL what do I even mean?

How the hell do you even compare those two ages?

Well when you meet someone at 17, get pregnant, move in together, have another kid and get married and then after 14 years you separate you really have nothing else to compare it to.

When I was 16 there were no dating sites in fact online was just becoming a thing.

Fast forward 14 years later, and it's virtually the only place you're going to meet someone if you aren't a fan of hitting the bar scene.

See after I split from C, it wasn't long before I needed an ego boost I wanted to feel pretty and wanted after spending so many years with one person in not the greatest of situations.

Soooo I signed up for a pretty common dating site.

I will add that normally I do have self confidence.

I know my worth and that I am beautiful inside and out.

I look at myself in the mirror and smile because I love ALL of her.

But it's funny, after being on the site for only a few days how quick I started to question myself.

Why was I attracting boys that only wanted to smash and go?

Why was every guy that messaged me only looking for sex?

Am I not worth more than a one night stand?

Why did that guy read and delete my message with no response?

Didn't he like my pictures?

Am I not pretty enough?

Am I too chubby?

Why doesn't anybody think Im worth the time to go on a real date?

I started to become obsessed literally checking the app probably 100 times a day

Waiting to see who was going to message me and how hot he was

Just to be disappointed because all he wanted was sex.

So then I started acting like all I wanted was to smash and go ( can't beat em might as well join em mentality)

That just made everything worse.

I scared off a few guys who probably thought i was just some sex crazed cougar on the prowl

When really I was just looking for a connection.

But it hurts to put yourself out there just to feel rejected.

The question I should have been asking all along was why I didn't feel like I was enough on my own?

Why was I searching for validation in some random guy who had know clue who I was except from what he sees in a few pictures?

I can't answer any of those questions I can only say that I had lessons to learn.

I needed to be reminded of who I am and what I stand for.

I needed to remember not to compromise my dreams and goals for some shitty sex.

I needed to be reminded of my worth.

I need to be reminded that I am whole on my own.